Ways to Avoid a Good Southern Butt Kickin'

Ram note:

Viewers , from time to time, send me lists of things. All kinds of things. Someone must have known that I am extremely defensive of the Southern way of life, speech, behavior, etc. when they sent me this list. I relate fully to all of items except the reference to "Welty." I must have been asleep the day he was studied in class or I'm just slow on the draw in recognizing the name. Maybe I'll get it later.


1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.

2. Don't order fillet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your butt.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's behind whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7 Up or whatever...it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your butt.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed. Ex., Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses of judgment. If you keep reminding us of the fact, we will kick your butt.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettyburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we'll just HAVE to kick your butt.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits with gravy like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. Delta is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

11.Yes we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand us, and that's all that matters. Now go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire lately. If you whine abut our scenic beauty, we'll kick your butts all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of a civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick some manners into your butts like they did ours

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and try to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot ( right after it is kicked ). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue and you will go home in a pine box.....minus your butt.

The above is written, all in fun, but it would be wise for outsiders visiting the South to keep in mind that you are here and we're not there.